Into each life, a little conflict must fall. Mostly, it's the difficult people that you deal with on a daily basis who tend to drain you as they revel in unnecessary drama. If you have a spouse, in-laws or a boss who is extremely hard to please, managing such a person can be a full time job. Consulting psychiatrist Dr Kersi Chavda talks about how to deal with tough cookies without crumbling:
Spouse
If you are married to an ultra-high maintenance partner, there are ways to avoid outright war. Accept that some adjustments will need to be made. It's unlikely that either of you will change fundamentally.
Avoid triggers like in-law problems, don't compare your spouse to others, don't bring up exes and be careful about handling finances. Don't bring up parenting issues in front of the child. Most importantly, don't use sex as a weapon.
A typical conflict zone is where both partners are working in responsible positions. The husband is too exhausted at the end of the day and the wife has to take care of the entire house. If things are not the exact way that he likes them, he hints that the wife is inadequate and if his mom could do it, why can't she? The wife should maintain her sense of humour, talk about sharing responsibility and explain the necessity to contribute. Comments about his mother won't help.
If a spouse is critical, then objectively see if he/ she has a point. For example, if your partner is critical about your appearance, then there's no harm in making yourself look attractive. If it gets unreasonable, you need to say that this is the most that you can do. You will continue trying to be as presentable as possible, but that the partner has to look beyond height and weight and focus on the person inside.
Then there's the question of dealing with a husband who is a mamma's boy. Don't keep pointing it out. Instead, get mamma on your side, rather than make her an adversary. You can never win this battle. The worst thing to do is to cause confrontation.
It's a good idea to choose the timing of confrontations. Don't do it when emotions are high, else the content will be ignored, only tone will be given emphasis.
In-laws
Register the fact that your in-laws are going to get older and lonely, and will need more from you. The same is going to happen to you. Over time, you will also be uninteresting to your kids. If your in-laws nag you about spending time with them, consider if you're really making excuses. Work it out with your spouse about making time for them, so that you don't feel resentful. It's always the son/ daughter who should do the negotiating with the in-laws on the amount of time to be spent together.
Mostly, interference with parenting or finances causes problems. For parenting critiques, take cognizance of the fact that you may need your in-laws, so don't raise their hackles. They are the safest people to leave your child with. Listen, smile, say "of course" and do what you think is the best. Over time, they will ease off. If you're hung up on the 'I can't be a hypocrite' line, face up to the fact that your mother-in-law will hate you. If it becomes too hot to handle, break away. Your mental health is most important.
Boss
With a difficult boss, be as diplomatic as possible but ensure that you're getting your worth. Don't shortchange yourself. If the boss is misusing or overusing you, there are ways of telling him/her that you go this far and no further. Make the boss aware that you are a worthy person to keep.
Sometimes it is useful to stay beyond time and come in before the boss does. Ensure that if you're part of a group, you don't delegate everything. If your boss is very abusive, it's perfectly okay to tell him/her that you accept his point of view but abusive behaviour is uncalled for. The bosses are usually startled and they admit that they didn't realize it - it had just become a habit.
In the worst case scenario, quit. People have landed with stress-related ulcers that have disappeared after they changed jobs. Sometimes, it is the only solution.
More tips to handle tricky situations
- Develop a sense of humour. The more seriously you take a difficult person, the more it will affect you.
- When upset or angry, slow down before you lose control. When you're in full control you can stop before you lose it. This is called pre-loss of temper management.
- The most effective way is to speak as softly as possible. The person will be forced to listen to you. As the person strains to hear you, he/she will eventually respond in the same vein.
- Try to cut off the person from your life. When that's not possible, avoid him/ her and pay them as little attention as possible.
- Look at the positives rather than the negatives. Instead of grumbling about the bad things, make it a point to talk about the good things. It's very effective.
- Take criticism with a pinch of salt. Tell yourself you have to feel good about yourself, positives have to come from inside, not outside.
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