Rules of Arranged Dating Before Marriage
Eliminate To Facilitate
Ninety per cent of Karishma's clients tend to shortlist people on the basis of the photograph. But pictures can be misleading. "Some people look better in person, some photos make a person appear more attractive. I always tell my clients not to base their judgment simply on a picture. A smiling photograph in Western casuals (that seems to be the general preference) will do the trick."
Unfortunately, she points out, there are more eligible girls than boys. It's harder to find decent looking and well educated boys, so the boys end up having more choice than the girls.
It's also important to shortlist profiles on factors such as diet (vegetarians prefer not to meet nonvegetarians), living with the family or apart, etc. This helps save time and energy on both sides.
Minus The Khandaan, Please
Earlier, when two families met, usually they'd be accompanied by an assortment of siblings, grandparents, uncles and aunties. Karishma has noticed that the new trend is for the couple to meet minus the chaperones.
"Youngsters prefer meeting alone at a coffee shop. With the khandaan, they barely get time to know each other. The second meeting could be with the parents. Some people still go with their folks, but it's uncomfortable to have people staring at you. Others, especially the girl's parents, want to see the boy first before letting him meet their daughter. Eighty five per cent parents are letting their kids meet alone. To take immediate family is perhaps okay, but not other relatives."
It's embarrassing to be directed to another table. "Go talk, beta," is the usual refrain. Avoid it. For obvious reasons.
Ask Me Anything. Or Not
Now that you've met and your potential partner hasn't repulsed you in the first five minutes, what are the appropriate subjects to touch on? Karishma says, "The first meeting is more formal usually. I've noticed that now people ask about everything frankly. They want to know how well settled the other person is, how many siblings, how many relationships the other person has had, etc. Ideally, leave the more personal questions for the next date. Some people have complained that they don't like being asked that. Talk about mutual interests and likes and dislikes. Be yourself, because you can't fool anyone for long."
Questions like 'Can you cook?' are redundant. You're looking for an equal partner, not a maid. Ensure that your queries are phrased in the least offensive manner.
What's Your Salary?
To inquire about a prospective candidate's financial status is not a polite question. You're not buying a commodity, this is a life partner you're thinking about. "Of course, it's important," says Karishma, "But usually I have the financial details of those registered with us. So, it saves the embarrassment of asking that question."
Cheque, Please
If the kids meet alone, says Karishma, usually it's the boys who pick up the cheque. "Yes, the thought that he can't pick up a piddly coffee bill may cross the girl's mind. Also, I think the belief that when families meet, the girl's parents are supposed to pay is outdated," she says.
Sorry. Next...
Arranged marriages are like the lottery. "I met my husband on the first meeting and now we're celebrating our 14th anniversary. But not everyone is so lucky," she says with a laugh. So how do you politely communicate your disinterest? You could always have a friend on standby who calls you with an emergency. Karishma laughs, "Usually, people leave the dirty work to me. If you want to meet the person again, ask for the phone number and send a polite message. Pay them the respect of giving them your full attention even if you don't like them. Or just go home and tell your parents it isn't working."
Most parents would like you to make up your mind after about three meetings and they don't like their daughters meeting a guy ten times before he rejects her, Karishma observes. And there is not need to insult anyone when you reject them. Usually, the safest excuse is to say that the horoscopes don't match. That way you can blame the divine powers for the mismatch.
Amateur Sherlock Holmes-ing
Arranged set-ups always throw up the trust factor question. There have been instances where people have hidden their medical condition or lied about their financial status. So how does one know if a person's claims are real?
Karishma says, "People conduct discreet inquiries from at least four-five sources when they zero in on a bride/ groom. I caution them to not barge in at their workplaces or randomly call up colleagues. Go with an appointment. I don't give away the names of the companies where the candidates are working. People ask in societies as well. Normally, they just figure out a friend or relative who knows someone in the marriage prospect's company to make discreet inquiries."
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