Should I rant at my ex?
Clinical psychologist Shweta Bhatnagar explains the pitfalls of the drink-and-dial routine. “It’s not just a bad idea; it’s a terrible idea,” she says. “Don’t go by how much your intoxicated mind wants to hear their voice. Think. If you can’t do it yourself, run the idea by a friend and have them do it for you. What does it do for your self-respect and selfesteem to call an ex and blurt out pent-up emotions?” It barely seems anything more than pathetic to them. If this desire to rattle off a wellrehearsed, pointed spiel is coming from a sober space, evaluate the pros and cons. If you’re going to regret it the minute you hang up, or press the send button, it’s always better to take a deep breath and hold the urge.
“However, if you feel like it is something that you absolutely need to get off your chest and that it’ll bring catharsis, unload your burden onto them, and walk way. Let them deal with their guilt while you get some fresh air,” Bhatnagar says.
BFF's Partner is love rat
This situation is never an easy one, because it puts your friendship at stake. People rarely take the news that their partner is cheating well and shooting the messenger is an automated reaction.
“Work off the moral dilemma,” says marriage counsellor Manju Jain. “It’s for the larger good. Your friendship might suffer a temporary glitch, but if your intentions are fair, things will settle down eventually.”
It takes a great deal of tact and proof to convince your friend of what’s going on. “Take them out of their home and make your intentions clear,” advises Jain. “Justify the reason for your bringing it up. Be prepared for allegations and reactions such as, ‘You are jealous’, or ‘you’re in love with my partner,’ or other such seemingly unreasonable statements. Shock and denial are first responses that lead to anger, which is vented on the person handing out the news.”
In case of an adverse reaction, lay down the facts as you know them and let them make the decision themselves. When they are ready, and have dealt with their situation, they’ll come around.
My folks need to let go
These aren’t adolescent issues of wanting to move out at 22. These extend well into early adulthood. Family counsellor and therapist Prerna Shah decodes the parent trap.
“Everybody has issues with their parents,” says Shah. “Parents will always want to be involved and concerned with your life and decisions. They have to grapple with concepts that their children are embracing, whether or not they approve. After a certain age, parents lose power and control but still feel an obligation to do their ‘parental duty’.”
At 35, no one likes being crossquestioned and having to justify why they choose to live alone, etc.
“Being firm isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” says Shah. “As long as it’s respectful and gently. One might have to do it repeatedly to get the message across. If you feel like certain barriers are crossed in their aim to ‘protect’ and ‘care’, you’ll need to reiterate the point of keeping your personal life and decisions out of dining table conversations. Something on the lines of, ‘It’s a decision I have taken and I’m happy with it. Please
respect it,’ is firm, yet not rude and after a point, they will stop trying to doubt your decisions.
(S)he's no fun in bed
This is as personal and tricky as it gets, and there is almost never a good way to put this without backlash. If unresolved, the dissatisfaction can permanently harm the relationship. It’s not as easy as just letting them know gently, says clinical psychologist Priyanka Doshi.
“One of the safest ways of dealing with the situation is to teach them how to get better without letting them know that they aren’t good,” she advises. “It’s like teaching someone how to drive. To begin with, you must know how to do it yourself, and what works best for both of you. Refrain from accusatory or shaming statements. Nastiness will yield an anxious, angry partner. Hand over your keys and tell them where to work the ignition.” Terms such as, ‘follow my lead,’ or ‘I like it when you…’ give your partner direction.
Many women don’t reach orgasm with intercourse alone and require clitoral stimulation. Gently educate your partner about your body with suggestive words. Don’t rush or push them — you’ll send out mixed signals and confuse them even further. “A startling number of women fake orgasms to protect their partners’ feelings. While there is no right or wrong, not telling him what’s wrong isn’t going to work in your favour in the long run,” says Doshi. Don’t let him think what he is doing is right since you need him to improve his skills. But also never underestimate the power of good open dialogue.
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