She says: We need to talk.
He interprets: Here are four words that can flatten the most hardened (no pun intended) men. Sure, there are other four-word statements that can strike fear in our hearts—“Let’s take a break”, “I’m cheating on you”, “I missed my period”, or “Today’s a dry day”—but those are statements where we’re aware of the outcome. “We need to talk” is a vague, concealed statement that usually comes at us from out of the blue, and uses our fear of the unknown to summon all the paranoia we’ve got stored in our brains. Suggestion: Don’t say we need to talk, just talk.
He says: You sound like my mother.
He means: This is a tough one. More often than not, despite what you say about us being like your fathers, this is uncalled for. But if I may spin it a little differently: our mothers are the first important women in our lives. So for us to say you sound like them, it’s not necessarily a criticism, but more a proclamation of the roles you play in our lives. Caring, nurturing…overbearing, dominating…er, okay, I give up. There’s really no explaining this one. It’s something that deserves an apology, so expect one; we’re really just being mean. And we’re sorry we said that.
She says: Is that what you’re planning to wear?
He interprets: In a word, yes. So let’s state the obvious here: Men do not have an evolved sense of style. We prefer function over form, comfort over couture. That being said, I’m not talking about guys who wear day-old shirts, and seem to regard general hygiene as a suggestion rather than a requirement. But there’s a reason why most guys own few suits. We don’t like dressing up, save for important occasions like births, deaths, weddings and the like. Suggestion: If you’d like to tell your man what to wear, tell him in advance!
He says: Do we need to meet your friends all the time?
He means: We like staying in our comfort zones. We like eating the same food, at the same restaurants; drinking at the same pubs, with the same group of friends. We’re creatures of habit. We prefer having a small group of friends, people we can be ourselves with; and we like it that way. So throwing us into a social situation with a large group of your friends pretty much scares the shih-tzu out of us. We’d do better just being introduced to them one at a time—in small, manageable doses.
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She says: We need to talk.
She means: This is a sure shot sign of trouble. In simple words, it means that in all likelihood, we want to break up with you for one or more of the following reasons:
--You have avoided having more than one mature discussion we initiated to solve a problem.
--You’ve been ignoring us and instead, other activities like football/cricket matches have taken precedence.
--Something really big has happened that you thought was trivial.
--You’ve clearly not been listening to us, at all.
--All of the above.
He says: You sound like my mother.
She interprets: We’re aware of the Freudian theory on the Oedipus complex, but comparing us to your mother is really not a compliment. Simply because this statement usually comes right after we explain to you the benefits of cleanliness and good hygiene. Why, you ask; because to you it seems like a good idea to live under a mound of dirty clothes with other paraphernalia strewn across the room, paired with furniture laden with three layers of dust and mould growing new mould. Hence, we only try to offer a sensible, logical solution, because it’s clear to us that even though you look an adult, you’re behaviour quite unlike it.
She says: Is that what you’re planning to wear?
She means: Most women are particular about how their family and friends view their men. Wearing a torn Metallica T-shirt with ripped jeans or (God forbid) multi-coloured shorts does not constitute ‘cool’, nor does it say ‘I’m so with it!’ or convey ‘I am who I am’ to us. All it says is that you don’t understand that sartorial genius matters to us! It would be like us wearing a micro mini with a cleavage-bearing top to meet your grandmother, which we’re certain you won’t appreciate.
He says: Do we need to meet your friends all the time?
She interprets: We women, much like men, like to gloat about the awesome guy we’re dating. So, when we ask you to meet our friends, we’re really just waiting to show you off to them, which is really a compliment for you. As for you whining about being ‘bored’; think about how we graciously meet your buddies, guzzle down beers with them, participate in mundane discussions on the latest PS3 and listen to your buddies talk about boobs and butts, all with a big smile on our faces, which in turn leads your friends to comment “Hey, that’s a cool girlfriend you have.” and you beam with pride? Well, we too expect to experience such a moment, and for that to happen, you need to meet our buddies. |
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